Instructions for a life:
I grew up in a large Pentecostal church, baptized days after being born. God and Jesus were always a huge part of my life.
My youth was full of Christian conventions, church summer camps and Friday night youth groups. I always believed the church was my family, and they would love me no matter what, because that’s what I was taught. I loved every aspect of growing up in the church…
Until I realized in my late teens that I may be gay.
From the age of 17 to 29, I encountered hurt, neglect, shame, loneliness and guilt from my church family. Sadly not an uncommon story, what had been my refuge since birth, became a dark place that made me question everything.
I began to hate myself and my futile prayers. Without ever having to say it, they made me believe I had to choose: embrace God, or be damned, and embrace this capital Sin.
I clearly remember sitting in my room at 18 years old, writing in my prayer journal and sobbing. After dodging this struggle as long as I could, I finally turned my head to look it square in the face.
Everyone was right. I was the worst of sinners. And no amount of prayer was changing that.
How could I be attracted to women? I grew up around all the right people, in the perfect Christian environment, with a loving mother and father to guide me. I was so involved at church and I loved it. I loved Jesus genuinely, and my family fiercely – and now I felt as though they couldn’t love me if I embraced being gay.
Hope began to dwindle.
Hope continued to dwindle for 13 years, where I had some of the most severe lows, and intoxicating highs, as I trudged along the messy path of my faith and sexuality. My faith was truly tested in every possible way. I was forced to ask myself – and God – questions that I never would have, if I was straight.
What a gift, actually, that turned out to be.
My relationships with family and friends went through some extreme ups and downs, and I made some bad choices motivated by hurt and loneliness.
Yet through it all, I felt God softly standing beside me, gently pursuing me, and not allowing despair to take a full hold. Deep down I always knew He created me for more than this chaos I was feeling.
A few weeks before my 30th birthday, I was coming very close to the end of my rope, and I knew I had to make a choice.
I had been dating this amazing woman named Tammy for seven years, yet so much of my life was in the closet, and up in the air. I lived with constant chaos rolling around in my soul, and I didn’t see how I could ever be okay with being both gay and a Christian — never mind be gay-married. It wasn’t fair to her any longer, and I had to make a decision to either end things or move forward.
A friend asked me to housesit, and I knew this was my chance to spend a week alone with God.
As I peeled back the layers of hurt, chaos and confusion of the last 13 years, I wept, and I asked God the impossible one last time.
Can You truly still love me if I love the gay part of myself?
Will you turn Your back, or will You be in the middle of our relationship, if I take the hand of the one I love, and walk forward in this life with her?
Will I ever possibly feel peace?
The answers were not was I was expecting — and they were not what everyone was telling me they would be. It was in that moment that I realized something vital. I had been listening to God’s people for 13 years – but what did God Himself have to say to me?
I waited, and I listened… and I sat there in the stillness.
I felt inside my soul, bubbling to the surface, a deep, resounding YES.
YES, I LOVE ALL THAT I MADE YOU TO BE.
YES, a thousand times over, YES.
And more than that – none of your struggle will be wasted.
A peace that began to wash over me like waves, consuming the shores of chaos and washing them away, layer by layer.
I didn’t get written answers, or theological clarity — but I got peace. A peace that has not wavered since that day.
One year later, Tams and I got married. Our wedding day was not at all as I imagined it as a young girl. For one, I wasn’t marrying a shaggy-haired youth pastor, I was marrying a woman.
Secondly – my parents chose not to be there. I never thought I could look back on my wedding day with the profound void of my parents absence, and be truly happy.
But let me tell you my friends, God was there. And He filled that void so completely. I remember turning the corner to walk down the aisle, and I saw Tams waiting there for me – my heart burst, because I truly felt God saying to me – this is who I have made for you. I never believed that could have been possible. I am astonished. When I think back on that day, I just feel love.
I stand before you now, seven years later, at 37 years old, married to my beautiful Tams since 2011. We have a 19 month old daughter named Robson, who is our consistent beam of light, and we are pregnant with our second – a boy, due in just a few short days.
Profound gratefulness fuels my life.
I can say today that I am wholly myself, in true contentment, and embracing this life God has given me.
It hasn’t been easy since that peace flooded my soul – but it is a continual well in which I draw from, to make it through the tough times.
There are still people close to me, including my parents, who do not agree, and that is hard… but it is okay. We can disagree. I know some people see my gift of peace as the moment when I gave into my sin. But this moment when people believe I walked away from God, is in fact the moment that I ran towards Him.
This is God’s story, and I am just trying to live it out. I believe that He will redeem it all one day; and I just need to leave that up to Him.
This poem by Mary Oliver resonates deeply as I reflect on my life journey so far.
Pay attention. Because of the turmoil that God has brought me through, I am forced to pay attention to the gifts in my life that I will no longer take for granted. My daughter’s embrace is that much sweeter. Holding my wife’s hand in public is that much more profound.
Be astonished. When I have tough encounters with the ones I love, and they do not cheer my relationship or family on – I am grieved. But God gives me such a quiet and beautiful peace to be still, and trust Him. My heart remains soft. And that makes me truly astonished.
Tell someone. When God gave me this peace, I promised Him I would share His story. That is why I embrace it proudly. I believe I have been called to share my truth, to live authentically – and to leave the rest to Him.
What a true gift it is to be heard.
Thank you for listening.
Hello my little one…. it’s me.
[We will teach you about Adele when you grow up a bit!]
I can’t even believe you are already 28 weeks along, and growing so strong inside of Mama’s belly. Wow, you are doing so great little bean!
First let me thank you for a precious gift you have already given me. [Truthfully I think you and God were in on it together.] A few weeks ago, your Mama and I were putting the Christmas tree up, and decorating it with all of our ornaments. Your Mama said she felt you moving around inside, and to come and see if I could feel anything on the outside. I hadn’t yet. I put my hand on her belly, and we waited there for a minute, in the silence of the twinkling lights from the Christmas tree.
All of a sudden we both felt a huge BOOM from inside – a direct hit to the palm of my hand, and my heart skipped a beat! I heard you, little one! Blinking back tears, I realized how real this journey is. This is happening – you are coming into our lives, a kicking, screaming, laughing, thoughtful little being. You, my little girl, are my miracle. I already thank God daily for your existence; for being allowed to witness this sort of love in my life. I am in awe.
Now, little bean, I have been thinking about something else I wanted to share with you.
As you will learn, there are many different types of families. Some families just have a Mommy. Some families just have a Daddy. Some have two Mommies or two Daddies. Some are raised by a grandparent or an aunt. Some – maybe most – will have a Mommy and a Daddy. The love is still the same, my sweet one.
I grew up with a Mommy and a Daddy. I was very lucky that they were [and are] both around for my whole life, spoiling me and loving me as I grew up. And if I am being honest, I was definitely a Daddy’s girl. My Daddy is very generous, very funny, and one of the true heroes in my life. I know I can always count on him to be there, fix anything, or make me laugh. I have always thought, even as I am now a grown-up, that I have the best Dad. (He will be the best Grandpa to you, I know it. 🙂
And as you get bigger and bigger in Mama’s belly, I realize that you will never say those words: I love you, Daddy.
My Evangelical Christian upbringing wants me to feel guilty about that. I want to say that I am sorry that I have chosen a “lifestyle” that omits a Daddy from your life. And I admit that it was one of the fears I had when I was struggling with becoming a Mama myself. How can I withhold anything from an innocent child?
But, my Sweetheart, I won’t apologize. Because I have chosen love, and love is something we never apologize for. My heart is too full of peace and gratefulness to be sorry, little one. No, you won’t have a Daddy in the traditional sense. You will have two Mommies instead. Two Mommies that already love you so entirely, it is hard to properly put it into words. So we will show you. We will show you with every hug, with every tear we wipe away, with every cuddle, with every crust we cut off your bread, and with every moment of sleep we lose when you cry or are sick. You will be so absolutely loved.
I believe to the depths of my soul, that this is the path God has chosen that has led you into this world. I believe that God knows what He is doing, and He isn’t scared that you will be coming into a family “without a Daddy” – but that was His plan. God does not make mistakes – He makes miracles.
So maybe one day you will be with your friends and they will be talking about their Daddies, and it will hit you: I don’t have one. And maybe you will wonder why. And I hope you will come to us with all of these questions, and more. And above all, I hope that your heart and soul is just so surrounded with love that you won’t feel like you are missing anything – but have everything you need. That is my prayer for you, little one.
We are counting down the days until we can stare into your beautiful little face. 🙂
My dear sweet little bean,
You don’t know it yet, but you are so entirely loved.
These past few weeks, the word miracle has taken shape inside of your Mama, and I have had the honor of having a front row seat to the unfolding of it all.
Let me tell you a little bit about how you got here. After all, your Mommies are a bit older and bound to forget some of the details one day.
My sweet little one, this road to bring you into our lives has not been the easiest, nor the most traditional. But as you will find in life, some of the most incredible things in life require the roughest road to getting there.
Your Mama and I went to a fertility clinic and tried six times to bring you into our lives. Each time, we were hopeful and our hearts filled with visions and dreams of what could be… until we heard “Sorry, not this time.” Little one, we shed many tears wondering why we had to wait, and what we were doing wrong. I have to be honest that my heart started to wonder if you would ever come into our lives.
We decided to try a very complicated process called Invitro Fertilization, or IVF, for our seventh – and final – try. [Maybe I will draw a story to explain how it works for you one day!] Your Mama gave herself many needles of medicine for many days, had two procedures, and then we waited and we prayed.
Photo of two fertilized embryos implanted on July 26, 2015: [the day after my birthday :D]
The day we were to find out if you were going to begin your journey to us, your Mama and I met over lunch time when we were both at work. We pulled over to the side of the road, and in the car we called the clinic and held our breath. When we heard those words: “You are pregnant!” – well my sweet child… that was the moment that our hearts burst with a joy I cannot properly put into words. Those tears were oh, so very sweet. And without the lows of the six no’s, the high of this seventh yes would be so much less sweet. And for that, little one, we are so grateful.
On this Thanksgiving weekend, we reflect on this season of waiting. It has brought your Mama and I closer together, and forced us to trust that the God we believe in, has it all under control, despite what we can see or feel. He has been so faithful to us through each step of this process. So in the end, we are thankful for this season of waiting, and for the tough lessons our hearts have learned. What a gift it has turned out to be – the slow and hard waiting, in this world of rushing from point A to point B. We are so thankful, knowing that the waiting will allow us to cherish your arrival that much more. For how can we enjoy the mountaintops without the valleys?
Your Mama and I have been together for many years, and we love each other so much. You will soon find out how incredible she is – she gives the best warm hugs, she cooks the most yummy meals, she will laugh at silly things with you, and she will have a calm wisdom for you when you don’t know if things will be okay. You will be so proud to share some of her genes, and I can’t wait to see how your little face bears an adorable resemblance to hers.
Your Mama, not me, is the one who is carrying you in her tummy right now. But my child, I am carrying you just as gently in my heart until we get to hold you in our arms. We just can’t wait to hold you, dance with you, stay up nights with you, pray for you, wipe the tears away and laugh alongside you.
My precious little bean, you should know that some people have their own opinion about the love your two mommies share. But my sweetheart, the world is sometimes scared of things that are different. I believe that the God who is knitting you together in Mama’s womb right now, is the same God who holds us together, and has blessed the life we have led together so far. We have made mistakes, but we have tried to love, and love well – and we believe that is the most important thing. The love we share is so ready and waiting for you. And through the years of loving each other, maybe we can all show the world that love is love, and family is family, no matter what it looks like.
Maybe you won’t remember, but I have been dancing with you already. I put my hand on Mama’s belly and then I may or may not listen to the latest Justin Bieber song and dance. I am sure one day you will put music on that I don’t understand, but I promise to dance with you anyway.
I pray that you will know what true compassion is, that you would see someone and not question whether or not to help. I hope that you will lead the sort of life who idolizes the Malalas, and not the Kardashians. I hope that you awake each day with a sense of hope and wonder, and embrace beauty in all things. I pray that we can share with you how love can heal, how forgiveness is powerful, how grace should always be the goal, and how to live a life that puts love first.
I know the label Christian is a scary one sometimes, but believe it or not, your Mommies still hold onto that label. Yes, we have been hurt and misunderstood by a lot of people who bear that label, but please keep in mind my little bean, that where the Kim Davis’ of the world exist, there are also the Mother Teresa’s. We have been hurt my little one, but we have also been loved so very well. We can’t wait to share with you why our faith is so important to us, and to see where your journey of life and discovery takes you.
We are trying to be patient these last few months… but we just can’t wait to meet you, Baby Chomiak.
Until then, my little one, keep growing strong.
6 week ultrasound:
8 week ultrasound:
13 week ultrasound: [Oct 2015, already sucking his/her thumb]
We announced our big news on the social medias today, and I did this little illustration for the occasion.
Our hearts are dancing, and we breathe in these moments of joy after a long journey. 😀 😀
I have said it before and I will say it again:
Attending the Gay Christian Network Conference continues to be the most “Christian” experience I have had in my entire 34-year church-going existence.
This was my wife and I’s fourth consecutive conference – and not only does it feel like an ever-growing family reunion – but it is the place where God’s presence is undeniably felt.
About a week before the conference, I had someone very close to me tell me that GCN is not a real ministry. That GCN is the place “we” go to make ourselves feel better about sinning. There is no way God could bless a group of people who openly give into their sin.
But walking into that first general session at the Oregon Convention Center, my heart could not accept those words. It was like walking into a wall of love & authenticity. The place was packed with people from all over the world – over 1300 people from 14 countries – almost doubling last year’s 700 attendee total.
Why is GCN growing so quickly? Are we all just so happy to find a place where we can sin and not feel guilty? No. It’s because God’s presence is here, and He wholly accepts us – gay, straight, ally, questioning, pastor, transgender… it does not matter. We are ALL beautifully and wonderfully made – and GCN is one of the only places where I think we all get that. We don’t all agree [or need to], but we are all tied to the One who made us, and that is enough to set differences [and denominations] aside and celebrate. My heart is sad for those people who won’t ever experience this, for fear of that 3 letter word.
As usual, the three keynotes speakers – Jeff Chu, Danny Cortez & Vicky Beeching – delivered amazing and challenging messages, with Justin‘s keynote on Sunday ending the conference perfectly. For the first year, they were live streamed – and I believe the videos are still available here: http://new.livestream.com/GCNconf
Jeff Chu asked what do we, as gay Christians, bring to the table – the place where we all meet and break bread together? He reminded us that all our stories, our voices, are what we can bring to the table. Stories matter, and to learn from each other, we must have real conversations. Conversations made up of listening as well as talking. I experienced this in a real and deep way in between all the sessions and workshops, as I found myself meeting new beautiful souls one after another. Not just other gay Christians, but parents of gay children, and straight allies wanting to know how to love better. So beautiful and so genuine. My heart was humbled with each new story I heard.
Danny Cortez, [straight] pastor from New Heart Community Church, challenged us to love better. After realizing that his own views, as a straight pastor, had changed in regards to homosexuality – his own son came out as gay. This started a huge and challenging journey for his church as he then came out to them as affirming. If you haven’t seen his sermon explaining how his views changed, please take time to watch it here.
He reminded us that wherever we land on this issue, the goal of our faith is not marriage equality – but LOVE. Jesus asks us to “Bless those who curse you. Pray for those who persecute you.” Have a posture of love. We have the choice to end the cycle and learn to love like Christ did, and does. What a huge privilege, to participate in that! That is exactly why I got “Be the change” tattooed around my wrist. I want to give grace and love to those I perhaps have not gotten it from. I want to respond differently; to love radically. I will fail, but I will continue to try over and over again.
During his keynote, Danny gave the gay Christian community an invaluable gift. He apologized. On behalf of the church that tried to “change” us, or convince us that we could not be loved by God until we are fixed – he said he was sorry. He said that was not true. There were tears in his eyes, and his voice wavered as he looked out into the packed audience and said, “I am so sorry.” So much healing in those little words. Thank you, Danny.
The third keynote speaker – and perhaps the most controversial – was Vicky Beeching. So controversial was this newly “outed” gay Christian singer, speaker & religious commentator from the UK – that the folks from Westboro Baptist flew themselves all the way from their headquarters in Kansas, to Portland, to protest her and the rest of us at GCN.
But I want to thank the Westboro Baptist protesters. They gave me a gift.
It was an opportunity for me to love better – and to be loved better by total strangers. As a group of us GCN regulars gathered early to walk with new conference attendees so they wouldn’t feel scared walking by Westboro – we saw that a group from churches around Portland were already there waiting for us. Colourful signs in tow, they lined up smiling and cheering us on, and shouting that they love us.
At 7:30 in the morning. On a Saturday. In the rain.
What a tangibly raw and real experience, as I took the hand of the one I love, and walked by the church members into the crowd of Westboro protesters, yelling their hate and holding their loud signs up proudly. I have had many Christians gently tell me how sinful I am, or quietly remind me how my sin is the worst…. but I have never experienced such in your face, loud hate.
And yet, in that moment I felt such a rush of complete love and support that it overcame me and many of my friends standing with me. It felt like a holy moment. We looked at each other with tears in our eyes, and I know we were all thinking the same thing – this is what it looks like to be loved by Jesus; to be loved by the church.
Overcoming hate with love.
And as we joined the wall of love [it was more like a path] in front of the Westboro people, ensuring a safe path for conference attendees to get to the venue, I watched every person’s face as they walked by. Many people smiled so widely, not sure how to take in this experience. Some people looked down, blinking back tears, overcome by such a visible representation of love and support. Some walked fast, too embarrassed for the attention; some slowed down to high five people or say a few Thank-yous. I wondered, how many people walking by, were feeling that love and affirmation for the first time? How very refreshing for the soul, to be reminded that you are inherently a child of God, and nothing else can change that. So thank you, Westboro. Thank you for giving me that holy moment, so that I could be a part of that moment for so many others.
Once again, God uses what is meant for harm – for His good.
As if Hollywood had written this from the beginning, we all realized as we had been standing there, singing hymns to drown out the Westboro hate – a rainbow had formed above us for all to see. What more confirmation did we need, then for God to remind us of His promise, as vibrant and as clear as could be? My heart was full to overflowing.
I wondered that morning, looking around at these precious people around me – could this be the community that God will use to show us all how to love better? Could I be a small part of that? My wife and I, we will definitely try.
When you tack on “Gay” to “Christian” – that invokes a lot of fear, and anger for some people. I think many people even feel it is an oxymoron. But we do exist. I do exist. God made me this way, and I am so thankful for the lens through which I see Him, and the world. Without that 3-letter word as a part of my Christian journey, I believe I would not be nearly as compassionate, nearly as vulnerable, nearly as grateful for this faith I have had to hold onto – kicking and screaming.
John Pavlovitz [a straight pastor] wrote about his experience at the GCN conference in Portland – and many of his words brought tears to my eyes. But something in particular he said hit home for me –
For their entire lives, [LGBT Christians have] had to overcome Christians just to try to get to Jesus.
I realized that, since the age of 17, when I felt my attractions growing for girls rather than boys, and my only community was the Christian one – I became this salmon that turned 180 degrees and began to swim upstream. This was the start of a 13-year journey of swimming and swimming and swimming against the flow of the Christians around me.
“You have to choose.”
“Your sin is the worst.”
“God can’t love you if you are gay.”
I was just trying to get to Jesus, because somehow, in some way – I knew He felt differently about me than his followers did. And that kept me going.
In 2009 when Tams and I went to our first GCN conference, this salmon knew it had reached its’ destination and we were all facing the same way. My soul could finally find rest.
Thank you, GCN. We will keep trying to love better, and continue to swim until next year. 🙂
January 9 – 12, 2014 of this year, we were fortunate enough to go to our third GCN [Gay Christian Network] Conference. Every year it changes location to a different major city in the US – this year was Chicaaaaaaago! While no one could have planned the Polar Vortex-thingie…. the amount of love and warmth created by this absolutely beautiful community was more than enough to keep everyone warm. Plus… I brought a really thick scarf.
I am always blown away by the experience of a GCN Conference, and this year was no different, if not even moreso!
Even today, a few weeks after returning, I am still unpacking all the amazing moments we had there. I honestly can’t even remember all the awesomeness that happened throughout those few days, but man, I came home with a soul overflowing with encouragement, hope, and thankfulness. Below is a pic of the group at one of the sessions during worship.
This year was GCN’s biggest conference ever, with over 700 people in attendance. There were barely any free seats! What AMAZES me…. is that these people go out of their way to be there – take holidays, pay for flights from all over the world, work all year to save up – because they just want to worship God in a safe place with their friends and the one they love. When we walked into the sanctuary, God’s presence and peace that filled the room was palpable. It was truly a humbling experience. There is not even a smidgen of fakeness [?] that comes so often with other “Christian conferences”. This is the one place everyone can truly be real, and it is such an amazingly beautiful thing. I wish there was another word for beautiful, I would use it!!
Here are a few things that stood out for me [and Tams]…. I will post pics to coincide, so it isn’t just a block of boring text. Yawn. (Although, if you have made it this far, CONGRATS!)
The night before we flew out of Seattle, the amazing Linda & Rob Robertson invited us to stay overnight so we could all go to the airport in the morning. What a fun night of chatting, eating pizza, and just so much encouragement. We love them so much!!
First thing once we made it to the hotel in downtown Chicago, was the Women’s Retreat. I just loved running into everyone that first day – this being our third year, it feels more and more like we just meet up with our huge family that keeps getting bigger! It’s the absolute BEST family reunion in the world. Depending on who you know in the GCN circles, you may recognize the likes of Wendy Gritter, Kathy Baldock and Lisa Salazar in the below group shot. Three amazing women we are proud to call our friends!
Here’s a shot of the group who made it to the Women’s Retreat – awesome amount of ladies for it only being the second year! What a great time of encouragement, getting to meet some new ladies, and a great way to start the conference!
We had some time before the first main session, so a bunch of us went back to our hotel room and did what only makes sense – ordered Chicago deep-dish pizza of course!
Oh my wife is so incredibly adorable. 😉
While a bunch of us were piled on our two beds and sitting on the floor, sharing pieces of this crazy thick pizza, and catching up on things that happened since the last GCN Conference… I was just so… happy. Through this ministry of GCN, we have made so many authentic and lasting friendships, it truly amazes me. I love these people so much! 🙂
The first main session that night was Rev. Christine Wiley – who, along with her husband, ministers at a huge church in Washington, DC. I am sorry, but SHE WAS AWESOME! I loved what she had to say, and I LOVE how she said it! She is a powerhouse, and what her and her husband have done in support of the LGBT community is unbelievable. She was challenging everyone – are we being our most authentic selves today? For Jesus and for the world? One thing she said that really stayed with me was this:
“There is in every person, something that waits for the sound of the genuine.”
– Rev. Christine Wiley
The next day was the first full day of the conference – and MAN was it full! Linda and Rob Robertson had their keynote that morning, which started off with the animated short I was able to help them out with. For the full story on that, please read my previous post: “Just Because He Breathed: The Animation”. Here is a shot someone took of it playing on the big screen.
Here is a pic I like to call “The Robertson Posse” – taken right before they took the stage for their keynote.
Us with their daughter – and now our new bff – Lindsey! Darnit, the whole family is just amazing! 🙂
OH MY WORD. There was not a dry eye in the entire 700+ people that surrounded us as we all listened intently to their beautiful and tragic story of their son Ryan. They are just so full of love and vulnerability, and are so completely committed to loving the gay Christian community, it blows me away. So many people identified with their story, since coming out can not only be hard on the gay person, it of course is hard on the family.
But reconciliation is possible, if we all put love first, and that is the hope in this story.
THAT was another amazing thing from this year different from other years – the amount of parents that came to GCN, in support of their gay children, or wanting to know more and how to love better. SO amazing!
What really grabbed my heart out of my chest, was all the parents wore “Free Mom Hugs” or “Free Dad Hugs” throughout the entire conference. My own struggles with my parents and my family definitely made this more emotional for me.
Literally, people would run up to parents they didn’t know for hugs because they can’t get one from their own. That blew me away. That is God. So much hurt has been felt for so many people, and how healing one hug can be. I only met a few, but THANK YOU to all the parents who came out to show their support. You will never know how truly powerful that is to people like me.
Later that day, something else huge happened for us. (Truly, this weekend was amazing!!) Tams and I had decided – it was Tams’ idea in fact! – to put on a workshop of our own. Throughout the conference, different speakers are asked to put on workshops that people can attend, on a variety of topics. Some on how to deal with your church and sexuality, some on just different faith journeys, some for parents, some were Q&A’s with the keynote speakers.
We decided it was time to share our story and put ourselves out there and be vulnerable. We called it “50 Shades of Grace: A Lesbian Love Story”.
We have been together almost 10 years, married for 3 this May – and things have of course not always been perfect or easy. But we try to love each other as best we can, and put Christ at the center – so we thought, why not talk about it! Here’s a pic right before we “went on”!
90 minutes is a long time to listen to us talk! But, amazingly, everyone DID listen! To be honest, we were blown away by the response. We had one of the biggest rooms for our workshop, and as we started our session, the room kept filling up until there was no room and people were even standing at the back! I was shocked. Even more shocking to me – more than half of the room was made up of men! I was so happy to see our gay brothers sitting there listening to us, but I was surprised! We shared our ups and downs, what has helped us from day to day, had a little break-out session, and then did a Q&A.
We had literally about 15 people that came up to us after individually, just so thankful that we shared and said they were so encouraged by it. WOW. That was worth the price of admission right there for me!
That night was a concert by Bobby Jo Valentine – love that guy’s sound! He is a gay Christian himself, and was not only talented but adorable. And of course Derek Webb – see below. A great evening of music, and a time to sit and marinate with all the great things that happened so far.
The next day started with yet another amazing speaker – Rachel Held Evans. I had never seen her speak in person, I have (like any other “good Christian”) been following her extremely popular and relevant blog for a long time. But I was very interested that she was coming to the GAY Christian Network to speak – gotta love that girl!! Not afraid of the backlash! I especially loved her distinction between not just being a straight ally to the gay community – but us all being brothers and sisters together. What a beautiful image that is! She said:
“Allies have a shared enemy. Brothers and sisters have a shared identity.”
– Rachel Held Evans
One other amazing thing she shared with us was about the gospel. If you look back in the Bible, it is so interesting to see who God calls, and who He chooses to use. I loved what she said:
“What makes the gospel offensive isn’t who it keeps out but who it lets in.
…And who it calls to lead. “
– Rachel Held Evans
Her own thoughts on her experience at GCN entitled “Unstoppable Grace” is WELL worth reading! Thank you Rachel, thank you so so much. I had a chance to meet her very quickly, and she is exactly as you would hope.
That night was sharing time. Every conference, they have an evening with an open mike, and people can come up and share what they have experienced throughout the conference. OH MY WORD is it powerful! SO many amazing stories, parents who have accepted their kids, people who are struggling and have found love in this community, people who just felt God’s presence again after years of feeling nothing. Unbelievable. Truly.
The last morning is a traditional liturgical service, which is so absolutely beautiful. That is ANOTHER amazing thing about this community – it is made up of countless denominations and faiths, even though it’s called the Gay “Christian” Network.
But the wonderful thing is – no one cares! You love God, you are here, let’s worship together!
Wow, wow, wow. Isn’t that what true church is meant to be? There was also a choir made up of people from the conference who just wanted to sing – they were amazing!
After that is the traditional ending to the GCN Conference – we all get in a massive circle for a last goodbye and chat with everyone, and they also do their thank yous and announce next year’s location. Time for some last minute pics with all these beautiful souls!
Oh and of course we did manage a couple hours of seeing Chicago before we left! Myopic Books, Potbelly’s for amazing sandwiches (and cookies!), and of course a visit to Cloudgate (aka the Millennium Bean).
I have a huge passion for this ministry GCN, I can not say enough good things about it. Thanks to everyone we met, talked to, ate with or listened to – you all made me proud to be a part of this precious gay Christian community. Next year – PORTLAND, here we come!!!
This past weekend I was asked to participate in a panel discussion at the Canadian Youth Workers Convention – an annual conference for youth workers both in the church, and outside the church. But primarily, this is mostly attended by youth pastors, and those who work with youth at church. This year it was held in downtown Vancouver.
Now, let me preface this with saying that after many years of turmoil in my soul, and finally receiving the gift of complete peace regarding my sexuality and faith fitting together — and truly coming “out” in 2010 — I did feel a sense of responsibility. I have said this before, but I know I fall into a minority of a minority. While we hear a lot more from the gay community these days… we don’t hear too much from the gay CHRISTIAN community. Let’s face it, in most people’s eyes, those two communities are at odds.
I have felt strongly within, that God has asked me to 1 – be authentic, and 2 – give grace, grace and more grace. And if that means telling my story when asked, then do it. If that means just living my life and not being ashamed to bring up “my wife” to other Christians, then do it. Or conversely, if it means bringing up “my faith” to my gay friends, then do that as well. In the last few months, God has opened some doors for me to speak a bit more about my experience growing up in the church, and struggling with my sexuality.
And sometimes, that’s pretty stinking scary. If I am being totally honest – the scariest crowd for me to speak to is Christians. Sadly in my experience – they have been the most hurtful. But I have so much compassion for that – because I know where it is coming from. That’s where I used to be. What a gift that is, actually. I can not judge, because I was once there. And God has grace, patience and forgiveness for every step along this journey – so how can I not also extend the same? That is literally the least I can do.
I am so thankful for Iona Snair and Carmen Rempel who extended the invitation for me to lend my voice to a panel talking about marginalized youth. I was representing the struggles our LGBT youth can have, especially growing up in the church. I knew, looking out into that crowd, that most likely they would fall into the Conservative category. That perhaps the issue of LGBT in the church was still quite black and white to them. That’s why we made the decision that I wouldn’t reveal my own sexuality until the end of the panel. We didn’t want them to discredit everything I had to say before they could hear it. I know many people who wouldn’t listen after the word “gay” is hanging in the air. After all, it’s not about me – it’s about loving the struggling youth in our churches better.
I stood up there and realized that in minutes I would come out to this entire room of strangers. After so many years of hiding in these exact settings, this was both a very terrifying and liberating feeling. But I knew God would walk me through this, as He always has this whole time.
Afterwards, I had quite a few people come up to me, that had some great feedback. They had youth in their youth group that had just come out, and they wanted to know what NOT to say, or how to support them better. That is awesome. You know, even if we don’t all agree on this, I think we can agree that we all need to love each other better.
I did have one person afterwards, and what she did say, well it hurt. She asked me if I was still gay today, and how I got to that conclusion. She said that she felt very strongly that God has told her there is no grey on this issue – that God is against it. And we should not be “preaching” to support it. She was very nice about it, I could tell she was very sincere, but she told me that she needed to caution me. She said that if I keep speaking, I will be building a gay army, and one day God will judge me harshly for that.
Now, while I had maybe 5 or 6 very positive people giving me feedback, of course this was the one that stuck in my heart. I spent so many years asking God about this, is this wrong, I want to do the right thing. And the thought of me building an army basically against God… there’s is nothing much more terrifying than that.
But after talking with close friends, my wife, and praying about this, I realized something. None of us know for sure if what we are doing is right. And we can all feel strongly that God is telling us something. My only responsibility in this is 1 – love others better and 2 – speak the truth I feel in my soul. And so I cannot fault this girl for doing that either.
I just don’t feel that God will judge me harshly for my life today. He sees my heart, and He knows my intentions. There is a tension and a struggle in putting myself out there, and putting a face to the gay Christian community. I know I may be putting myself in the cross-hairs. But someone needs to be a face for it, if even so the church doesn’t say “we don’t agree with that” but “Oh, that’s the girl we don’t agree with – let’s talk to her.”
I hope I can help build an army. An army of people who want to love better. Who want to use their talents for others and not just for themselves. Who extend grace, compassion and patience to those who don’t deserve it. Who are not made up of gay or straight, but just PEOPLE. We are all in this together, you guys.
Let’s keep the conversation going – but above all – at the end of the day, let’s make sure we are loving better.
I clearly remember sitting in my room at 18, writing in a journal and sobbing. I was the worst of sinners. And no amount of prayer was changing that. How could I be attracted to women? I grew up with all the right people, environment, schooling around me to guide me. I was so involved at church and I loved it. I loved my family fiercely, and now I felt as though they couldn’t love me if I embraced that part of me. Some of them literally said that to me. Hope was surely dwindling.
How incredibly thankful I am for the 12 years that followed that night. It was filled with some of the most severe lows, and intoxicating highs. My faith was truly tested in every possible way. My relationships with family and friends went through extreme ups and downs, and I made some bad choices motivated by hurt and loneliness. But at 30 years old, after coming to the end of my rope, I was faced with a choice. I spent a week alone with God, and through my vulnerable weeping I asked the unthinkable. Can You still love me if I love the gay part of myself? Can you continue to bless me if I take the hand of the one I love, and walk forward in this life with her? Will I ever possibly feel peace?
The answers were not was I was expecting — and they were not what everyone was telling me they would be. I felt deep inside my soul, a resonating YES.
YES, a thousand times over, YES. And more than that – nothing will be wasted.
Now I sit here at 33, married to my soul mate, wholly loving myself in true contentment, and embracing this life I have been given.
There are still people in my life who do not agree. And vehemently so. That is ok. We can disagree. But this is my truth, and I will embrace it proudly. I believe I have been called to share it, to live authentically, and to leave the rest to God.
And some day when I am no longer here, these words might still be. Which is why I wanted to write this down, as much as allowing such vulnerable and raw thoughts online is terrifying. But I feel like this is a good concluding chapter to the one I wrote when I was 18. What I have learned these past years can be summed up below. We hear a lot from the very conservative Christians, and the very liberal gay people…..I think there is room for my voice too.
So here goes. My (gay) agenda.
- Love as much as I possibly can, wherever I am, whoever I am with. UNconditionally. And not only if it is returned.
- Be present with who I am with at that moment. I won’t get another day like today.
- Extend compassion and grace, even when it doesn’t make sense. And when it doesn’t make sense, ask God for more.
- Use the gifts I believe I have been given, to the best of my ability, and to serve others wherever possible.
- Be thankful, for each breath. For each moment. For each walk in the woods and smell of fresh coffee.
- Encourage those around me. You never know how much that one sentence might mean to that person.
- Learn what it means to be truly, completely grateful, in word and deed. And see how that transforms my everyday life, because it does.
- Be authentic. Not arrogant or self-indulgent, but just genuine. People will know the difference.
- Challenge myself to truly get to know people and listen to their story. It is much harder to judge them that way.
- Cherish the beauty and fragility of humanity. “Help people discover that they are more beautiful than they dare believe.” – Jean Vanier
If I spend my days trying to accomplish this list, I think my life just might mean something.
Thanks for reading. 🙂