faith
It’s complicated.
I almost didnât post this.
But Iâm 40 now, so screw it, Iâm not editing myself anymore!
I wrote this after a recent visit with my parents. (I hid this from them on social media. Because I do love them and donât want to hurt them. But being honest about hard things is important.)
This is for every queer person who still has unaffirming people in their life who love them. Itâs so hard. I hear you, I love you, you arenât alone.
Itâs so complicated.
Learning to be brave.
Well, shoot.
Right now I am working on final revisions for my manuscript for âStill Staceâ. Iâm also reading Glennon Doyleâs âUntamedâ. This is quickly becoming a tumultuous, beautiful, terrible, gut-wrenching, wonderful, life-changing gift.
I have to read it very slowly, digesting it in small bits. Sometimes in the bath (the only place to read where I can lock myself away from toddlers), I can only manage a couple pages. My copy of her book is already dog-eared, annotated and frantically underlined. Iâm not halfway done yet.
I feel, as I know many people feel, it was written JUST for me in this season of my life. No but, really, it feels that way. Glennon, can you hear me??
Today was a rare day for me. I was taken to the spa for a glorious getaway. As I laid on a surprisingly comfortable wooden recliner outside, wrapped in one of their lush white robes, I tried to muscle my way through a good chunk of her book. I feel in my bones that I need to absorb what every page says, but itâs hitting (too) close to home. Once again I hit the âoof, that hurtsâ wall after just a few pages.
I folded it face down on my chest and stared up at the blue sky. The spa doesnât allow technology on-site, so I was actually forced to notice things. The way the soft breeze rustled the leaves overhead ever so gently. I studied the way the clouds swirled and reformed their puffy shapes quickly and slowly at the same time. The soothing sounds of the spa music – all that was missing was a masseuseâs hands on my shoulders.
BrenĂ© Brown talks about how she knows a book is good when she wants to throw it across the room. Well, Glennon, your book has a lot of air miles in my mind. I donât want what you are saying to be true, but dammit, it is.
She says:
âBrave is not asking the crowd what is brave. Brave is deciding for oneself. To be brave is to forsake all others to be true to yourself.â
That sounds easy.
That sounds logical.
That sounds impossible.
How is it, that at the age of 40, I am only now learning how to truly be brave?? How to  listen for my own knowing, not the mix of voices in my head that want to do the âright thingâ, make others happy or do whatever it takes not to hurt them.
Guys, this is so tough.
As I write about my younger selfâs struggles in coming out and finding peace with my faith and sexuality, I realize I am yet again on another excruciating journey of finding myself. (Not in the same way mind you, Iâm gayer than ever.)
But then, thatâs what life is, right? âBeing human is not hard because youâre doing it wrong, itâs hard because youâre doing it right.â (Damn you, Glennon. Also, thank you Glennon.)
Okay, letâs keep reading.
Pride.
Itâs the last day of pride month. đ
2020 has felt more formative for me than ever.
My gay Christian journey started when I was 16, but now that I am (so very) close to the big 4-0, I feel like I am just beginning in a lot of ways. Iâm truly learning what it means to trust myself – the deep, knowing me inside. To show up for myself and do hard things.
Iâm learning itâs good and necessary to take up space in this world, to say things, to deeply feel things.
2020 has been a tremendously hard year – for everyone – but often the hardest times bring about the most growth and beauty. I have a sense the coming months for me will be the hardest, but I am tenaciously hopeful and believing for the growth and beauty in the midst of it. (Maybe, because of it.)
A friend sent me this quote that I have said to myself every day lately:
âI will go, and I will go afraid.â
– Morgan Harper Nichols
I hope that wherever you are on your coming out journey, you know it is okay.
You are more than okay. You are loved.
Happy Pride, my friends. â€ïžđđ
đ· Photo of Stacey ©2019 Camilla Hrytzak.
A parent-scare + restore-faith-in-humanity story.
As a parent, you never know when your kids will get hurt, but you are always waiting for it on some level. (And when you have a 2.5 yr old son like mine, you wait for it every day.)
We explored a new place last night, a walking trail (mostly concrete) around a man-made lake. It had been raining off and on, and past their bedtime, so we took one last photo of the kids before heading for the car. Our son then decided to run up a wet rock and slipped, falling head first on the concrete with a loud & sickening CRACK. (Yes, lots of blood immediately everywhere.)
Friends, thereâs so many good people out there.
Thank you to the couple who were passing by, who stopped and immediately asked if they should call 911. They called, talked with us and the dispatchers, waited with us and directed the ambulance & paramedics to where we were.
Thank you to the young girl on her skateboard who passed by, and stayed just to quietly hold a big umbrella over us as it rained. Her smiles of comfort for our 4 yr old daughter helped so much, too. (Thanks to, I think, her dad, who gave us the umbrella to keep when the paramedics got there.)
Thank you to the man who stopped to ask what our sonâs fav show was, so he could pull it up on his phone to help him stop crying. (Who knew I would be actually grateful for damn Blippi.)
Thank you to the man who stopped and said he lived nearby, if we needed to take our son there or if he needed to run home to grab first-aid supplies.
Thank you to the paramedics for their ongoing work in the world right now, in this situation, and for giving him a teddy bear after he wouldnât stop crying in the ambulance.
Thank you to this rainbow for showing up immediately after the ambulance left, carting my son off to the hospital, and making me feel all the feels. đâ€ïžđ
Everyoneâs fine now and home (with stitches) and we are grateful.
Donât give up on humanity. We met a lot of helpers tonight. đâ€ïžđđŒ
Church.
Pausing along the Maple Ridge / Pitt Meadows Dyke trails to breathe in the mountain fog.
Right now, this is my church.
On my bike, sweating down these trails, God and I have it out.
Almost every day.
My most visceral aches.
My wildest dreams.
My tender hopes.
My loud celebrations and my quiet grief.
My beautiful questions, my untamed excitement, and my honest heartbreak.
Something about this mountain air, itâs healing.
We can do this.
We can do hard things.
I hope youâre hanging in there, friends.
And I hope you are finding your church too. â€ïžđ đČ
Being a guest on “Blessed Are the Feminists” podcast
A few weeks ago, the kind folks at the “Blessed Are the Feminists” podcast invited me to be a guest, and talk about my experiences with Christian feminism, having LGBTQ faith and being a gay Christian mama.
It was such a great conversation, and I think, so important to have right now! The episode aired Sept 1, and can be heard on their website here. Or look them up on iTunes & Spotify to subscribe! Follow them on instagram & twitter @holyfeminists!
Here’s a few tweets they put out about my episode: